"Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children."
~ Brené Brown
Five years ago, following the murder of Sarah Everard, I asked in this newsletter, 'when are we going to start asking why men are murdering women?'. The programme Adolescence has kickstarted an urgent, national conversation about just this. And like just about everyone I know on LinkedIn, it transpires I have a lot to say on the topic.
The programme seeks to understand 'why'. This means that Katie's story is secondary and, whilst some are affronted by this, I think it is because the purpose of the writing is very much to understand what went so wrong with Jamie. And the programme offers no single, clear route of blame. The cultural, the educational and the family systems are all shown to be wanting.
Toxic masculinity or a lack of a basic human need?
For me the strongest themes were around belonging and the shame that arises when we don't belong. To reiterate the quote at the top, 'Love and belonging are irreducible needs of all men, women, and children'. The concept of "irreducible" means that love and belonging are core human needs, not secondary or optional. They are fundamental to our existence and well-being. Maslow's hierarchy of needs places love and belonging needs at a foundational level, after physiological and safety needs, and before esteem and self-actualisation. Because it's such a core need, in the absence of belonging we are drawn to negative forces seemingly offering us that belonging.Â
As an aside, remember there is a core difference between 'fitting in' and 'belonging'. Fitting in requires that we adapt our representation of ourselves so as to be accepted. Belonging means that we can be our true, authentic selves and be welcomed and valued.
It appears that Jamie felt like he didn't belong in multiple areas of his life. At school he was seemingly bullied by a couple of the girls, and the physical environment was described as 'a holding pen'. At home, his Father was ashamed of how bad he was at football and spent no time with him because of his new business taking off. In the online world, he saw messages that belittled boys... He is ripe for radicalisation. Andrew Tate offered him an 'easy' place to belong in the absence of any IRL places of belonging.
When people who have a heightened need to belong experience exclusion, one of the arising emotions is shame. That feeling of being unworthy and 'not enough'. Episode 3 was a masterpiece at demonstrating the impact of that emotion on Jamie. The Times argued that that episode was the one in which we learnt the extent of his radicalisation. Possibly. But what I saw in that episode was his visceral feelings of shame and his patterned response to it, which was to lash out.
We all have patterned responses to shame - to fight, to run away or to people please. And again, the programme looks at the culture around Jamie. What do the men around him do in response to shame? They come out swinging.
What to do? The conversation around this programme is tough and absolutely crucial. I know many parents, myself included, are reeling. One genuine 'easy win' is to create spaces where your teenage boys feel like they belong. I told my sons at the weekend that, no matter what they do, they will always belong here at home. Demonstrating boundaries around tech is hard, and research shows that it also demonstrates to kids that you care. (Jamie was 'allowed' to be on the screen until well in to the early hours, before school). Schools need to lean in and recognise the impacts of the physical environment and treating pupils as quasi prisoners. Dads need to lean in and be present role models, demonstrating that violence is not an adequate response to the big emotions.
And companies need to lean in too. Obviously tech need to get a hold of the content that is on their platforms. But I mean all companies. There is now a reverse pay gap for boys under the age of 25.
What do we want to happen in the next five years as this cohort mature in the workplace?
Rox
ps: We hold an annual Masculinity in the Workplace in November in which this topic is likely to play a part.  We are currently onboarding partners - email us for more details